Sun Tzu answers your roommate questions
Special treat today, famed author of Art of War Sun Tzu lends his unique perspective to answer your roommate questions! Let’s jump right in…
“Hi Sun Tzu – longtime listener, first time caller. Listen man, my roommate is driving me nuts – he invites his stupid friends over and they eat all my food… what should I do?” – Mason Swaddle, San Francisco
If asked how to cope with a great host of the enemy in orderly array and on the point of marching to the attack, I should say: “Begin by seizing something which your opponent holds dear; then he will be amenable to your will.” Threaten to burn his Lakers jersey if this bulls**t persists.
“Sun Tzu, I just moved in with my girlfriend and she wants us to get a joint checking account. The relationship is pretty new… is this smart?” – Anderson Gonk, Atlanta
We cannot enter into alliances until we are acquainted with the designs of our neighbors. Don’t be stupid, you barely know this chick.
“Sun-dawg, it’s only been two days but I don’t think my new roommie is working out. Is it too early to cut her loose?” – Sill Bugino, Portland
Anger may in time change to gladness; vexation may be succeeded by content. Two days? I’ve had hiccups that lasted longer, give it more time.
“Hi Sun Tzu, quick question: Should me and my roommate co-sign a renter’s insurance policy, or do something individually? Can you describe the the advantages/disadvantages of each way? – Carly Portobello, Austin
The skillful tactician may be likened to the shuai-jan. Now the shuai-jan is a snake that is found in the Chung Mountains. Strike at its head, and you will be attacked by its tail; strike at its tail, and you will be attacked by its head; strike at its middle, and you will be attacked by head and tail both. Happy 4:20, I’m a little out of it right now
“Hello SonSoo I have a one question……………. me anD Two other roommates must kickout the forth roommate…………………. how do we brake it tohim????!?!?!?!? – Myke Calpinsky, Montecito
Let your rapidity be that of the wind, your compactness that of the forest. Let your plans be dark and impenetrable as night, and when you move, fall like a thunderbolt. Get him drunk and Code Red him, he should wake up next to the freeway surrounded by his possessions.
“Sun Tzu, pleased to meet your majesty! My roommate always takes forever in the bathroom. Is there a way to get in first, so I’m not always late for work? – Barry Snerd, Philadelphia
At first, then, exhibit the coyness of a maiden, until the enemy gives you an opening; afterwards emulate the rapidity of a running hare, and it will be too late for the enemy to oppose you. Then, for a funny prank, hide the toilet paper.
“Yo Tzu – what qualities should I be careful to avoid in a prospective roommate?” – Torse Paunts, Los Angeles
There are five dangerous faults which may affect a general:
(1) Recklessness, which leads to destruction;
(2) cowardice, which leads to capture;
(3) a hasty temper, which can be provoked by insults;
(4) a delicacy of honor which is sensitive to shame;
(5) over-solicitude for his men, which exposes him to worry and trouble.
Just use your common sense, dummy… must Sun Tzu wipe your bottom, too?
“Sun, my roommate is still all over my food! Serious, this is ridiculous…?!?!?” – Mason Swaddle, San Francisco
… a wise general makes a point of foraging on the enemy. One cartload of the enemy’s provisions is equivalent to twenty of one’s own, and likewise a single picul of his provender is equivalent to twenty from one’s own store. Payback is a b***h.
Thanks for the insight, Sun!