Don’t be a sucky roommate
1) Don’t be a complete ass.
2) Do you make it impossible for your roommate to get some well-deserved sleep when you stumble home at 3am on a Wednesday night drunk, shouting incoherently, and playing the stereo at full volume? Ask your roommate to punch you in the face – this may discourage you from behaving in such an atrocious manner in future.
3) If you share a home with several other people and they all hate you, you are probably a bad roommate. Try doing fewer terrible things to the people you live with.
4) If you have the urge not to pay your portion of the rent, strangle yourself with an electrical cord until the urge goes away.
5) Being a good listener is important. If everyone tells you to stop eating all of their food, demonstrate that you were listening – stop eating all of their food.
6) Hate doing dishes? Do them anyway, that’s part of your job. And don’t ask for a medal or something afterward.
7) Communication is crucial. If you are a bad roommate, tell your roommates. This gives them an opportunity to kill you or concoct a campaign of passive-aggressive behavior that will eventually force you to leave. An honest heads-up makes it easier for everyone.
8) If you see an opportunity to negatively impact your roommate’s life, try to remember not to do that.
9) The law says you don’t have to be a good roommate, but the law also says anyone who throws a bad roommate off a bridge can be convicted only of a misdemeanor, so remember that before you start being a bad roommate because most bridges are really high.
10) If you persistently engage in bad roommate behavior, consider inventing a time machine and send a cyborg back in time to remind you to behave better and then have it kill you with machine-like efficiency.