Don’t get egged – Halloween candy-giving etiquette

A mid-week Halloween means lots of people will be at home for the holiday, instead of out celebrating. You could do like I do: turn off all the lights, pretend no one’s home, and avoid trick-or-treaters altogether. If you do decide to give out candy, here are the things you need to know to avoid having bags of flaming dog poop left on your doorstep.

Don’t give out crappy candy. The list of crappy candy includes all of the following:

• Candy corn
• Anything with “tootsie” in the name
• Grandma-style mints
• Anything made by Werther’s
• Chocolate coins
• Anything with “wafer” in the name

Money is the only safe substitute for candy. If you give out toothbrushes, there is a 97% chance local kids will burn your house down to the ground, and they would not be wrong for doing it. Don’t give out those wax vampire fangs either. Giving out apples can get you prosecuted in some states.

Don’t be stingy. Giving out only a single fun-sized candy to each trick-or-treater is NOT cool; you give out a handful of those things. If you have kids stick their hand in a big bowl and get their own candy, don’t tut-tut when they go nuts; let ‘em have a little extra.

Give generously to the moonlighting high schoolers. You typically get them at the end of the night: 17-year-olds in poorly designed costumes thrown together on a lark, out for their last Halloween and hoping to clean up. You might be tempted to tell them to grow up and get lost, but these are the dangerous ones. This is their last chance to be a kid on Halloween, let them enjoy it… or you can count on your pumpkins getting smashed all over your porch.