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Hipster fashion trends for 2013

2013 will be known as the “Year of the Hipster,” unless it is known as something completely different. To be an authentic hipster you need to race ahead of the pack and lay claim to the bleeding edge of the fashion avant-garde, before everyone else jumps on the bandwagon and makes it all stupid and insufferable. Here are the hipster fashion trends for 2013:

Big accessories. Turn a bolt of carpet into a scarf. Make a chapeau from a car cover. Transform a fumigation tent into a cape. Bigger is better, you want to make certain your fashion foresight is noticed.

kravitz scarf

 

Juxtaposition of hyperviolence w/ children’s entertainment. Here we have an ensemble inspired by Sinaloan narco-terror-wear, spiced with a dash of Yo Gabba Gabba! whimsy. Underneath the shirt is a genuine combat-worn Syrian Army bulletproof vest with Muppets badging.

hypercolor hyper violence

 

Standing awkwardly. It doesn’t matter what you wear as long as you do so in a pose that is unbearably attention-seeking… although it helps if what you are wearing is utterly preposterous, like sleeveless winter-wear with ski gloves.

awkward standing

 

Not trucker hats. That pained look says it all: “Hey frado, 2003 called – it wants its hat back.”

no trucker hats

 

Gender apparel cis-disorder. Blandly androgyne couture is insufficient going forward, an authentic hipster wardrobe must encompass a paradigmatic expression that is both vigorously non-heteronormative and robustly archaic. Accordingly, this guy is like a babushka or something.

Scarf man

 

Invisibility. What is this hipster carrying? We may never know – it’s invisible. And I’m not talking like some mime I’m-trapped-in-box phony invisible routine, this is the real deal. Arch-hipsters have discovered how to bend light waves around solid matter and when the physicists finally catch up, the hipsters will be all, “Oh, invisibility? That’s soooo midtown.”

Invisibility hipster

 

Animation. In 2013, the apex-hipster caste will replace themselves with bespoke animated avatars and .gif files. Accustomed to cartoons, no one will notice the difference.

animated hipsters

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2 comments on “Hipster fashion trends for 2013

  1. Stephanie on said:

    Hmmmm….im not so sure i agree with any of this. Lenny looks crazy walking around with a huge piece of carpet on his shoulder. Along with his oversized carpet he needs a bad for his head :/

    • Eiskaffe on said:

      Yeah…the carpet isn’t the most flattering thing on earth but at least its warm, right? I’m surprised though, that his outfit struck you the most. I was a bit concerned about the sleeveless winter wear. Maybe in Florida? Then what’s with the gloves? So confused…

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